


We'll Get There Eventually

by I_am_a_Ruin



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Depression, Depressive Episode, Inpatient-therapy, Lance can't do this alone, M/M, Probably a little OOC, and neither can Keith, suicide ideation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-27
Updated: 2018-09-27
Packaged: 2019-07-18 04:25:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16110761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_am_a_Ruin/pseuds/I_am_a_Ruin
Summary: When Lance has the worst episode Keith has seen yet, he concedes that he can't do this alone anymore.





	We'll Get There Eventually

**Author's Note:**

> Not really sure how this hit six pages but. Here it is. Heavily inspired by Jet Pack Blues by Fall Out Boy and The Kids Aren't Alright by Fall Out Boy.   
> I don't know if this will be triggering for people honestly? So just proceed with caution, please. There's two messages I hope you can pull from this  
> 1) You can't do this alone and no one should expect you to. One of the most helpful things is having people there who support and love you.  
> Don't be afraid to reach out. Therapy and meds don't work for everyone, but find what works best for you.  
> 2) It's probably not going to get better all at once. But don't give up. Even if you have your first bad day after so many good days. That's something to be proud of. You can do it.

Lance was sitting up in bed. Keith really tried to see it as progress. It had been almost three days since Lance moved on his own. This  _ was _ progress.

Keith approached slowly, terrified of startling Lance deeper into his episode. He set the tray of toast and juice on their nightstand and took a deep breath. Right. He had to act normal. No pleading or verbal babying. Same as he did every other day. Except with ten times more patience. Yelling would make it worse. He could do this. 

He was scared but fear wasn’t going to do Lance any good.

“Good morning. I made toast. It isn’t as good as yours, a little burnt. I still don’t know how to not burn it.” Keith tried for a pleasant tone, hating the shakiness in his voice.

He hated the blank, glassy look in Lance’s face more.

Lance was moving though. Lance was moving without Keith’s help and that was progress. He wasn’t responding but… Keith would take it. He would take it because last night he had been at his wits end, ready to call Shiro or Hunk or  _ someone  _ because he was so fucking scared. He couldn’t see his boyfriend like that anymore.

Lance pulled the sheets over his shoulders and rubbed his upper arms slowly, still not paying Keith any mind. Lance was still not really there. The movement actually almost made it worse, made Keith want to cry or scream to get him to snap out of it. But he knew that wouldn’t work.

“You want some toast, Lance?” Keith asked, praying to just have a little light in those blue eyes he loved so much, some kind of recognition. Lance didn’t even need to answer. He just wished Lance wouldn’t look straight through him. 

Lance didn’t even look up from his lap and Keith bit his tongue to keep from sighing. He sat down in front of his boyfriend and held out a piece of toast. He couldn’t go through tearing off bits of toast for Lance and opening the boy’s mouth again. Seeing him move gave him too much hope he couldn’t go backwards he couldn’t. 

Lance didn’t seem to even register the food in front of him. Keith leaned forward, taking Lance’s hand gently into his own and setting the bread on his palm. Lance stared at it blankly for a moment before beginning to nibble at the crust. Keith had to stiffen all his muscles to avoid tackling Lance in a hug. This really was progress.

He tried not to worry about what he would do when Lance came out of it. What kind of Lance he would even be getting back. Whether he would be the same Lance.

As Lance sipped on his juice Keith took a moment in the bathroom to collect himself. Keith stared at his hands clutching on the countertop, knuckles turning white. 

He should have noticed Lance’s warning flags. He should have fucking noticed. It wasn’t like Lance never had episodes. This wasn’t new. Sure it had never gotten this bad but… Lance had depression, he fucking knew that and he still…

Lance had been missing showers, and Keith had to remind him to change his clothes. He was skipping his skin routine, wearing his glasses more…. Forgetting to eat. Not remembering to put things away. And Lance was the clean freak of the two of them. 

He  _ had  _ noticed. Had held Lance tightly in his arms when he started crying in his sleep from nightmares. Had held him tighter on nights when he couldn’t sleep at all. 

He hadn’t been able to help. 

Keith felt himself shaking and tried to push the self deprecating thoughts out of his head. Lance needed him. 

Keith just didn’t think he could do this by himself anymore. 

The only thing that had been stopping him was Lance’s pleading to not. Lance didn’t like the idea of people knowing he was struggling and Keith respected it because they were managing it on their own. And then he didn’t because he was scared of somehow pushing Lance further when he straight up stopped responding three days ago. But now? Keith didn’t think it could get worse. Lance wasn’t going to get hysteric and kill himself because Lance wasn’t even there anymore. 

Lance didn’t  _ care  _ about anything anymore. 

Sure he made a little progress but when Keith went back into their room and tried to get Lance to stand for a shower, Lance wouldn’t move. Keith could bodily carry him into the bathroom. He had before, but… 

Keith was exhausted. He was only one person and he loved his boyfriend to death, would do anything for him but. He couldn’t make Lance better. What he was doing wasn’t working. Lance needed someone who knew what they were doing. 

Keith pulled the comforter up over Lance’s still form curled up on their mattress, running his hand absentmindedly through Lance’s hair.

If Lance would even just… cry or scream or fucking something. Anything. Any kind of sign of emotion, of life Keith could take but. This person on their bed was just an empty shell. Lance didn’t even seem conscious. 

Keith left the room knowing he was going to start crying once he called Shiro. And he wasn’t really sure how Lance would react to Keith crying. 

“Keith? Do you have any idea what time it is?” Shiro asked, sounding very groggy.

Keith didn’t. He had woken up when Lance started stirring and figured it was a good time to feed him. Especially considering he wasn’t sure how long the moving would last. And he was right to rush considering Lance had already stopped and it had only been ten minutes. 

“Shiro… I…” Keith suddenly found himself at a lack for words. No one else knew that Lance struggled with depression. Hunk had some idea and maybe Keith should have called him but… Shiro was his rock. And he needed Shiro right now. He just wanted his big brother as much as he never liked to admit it.

He could tell the next time Shiro spoke that he was wide awake, “Hey, what’s wrong? Talk to me.”

Keith broke right then on the words, “It’s Lance.”

He sobbed for several moments while Shiro tried to calm him down. When Keith couldn’t get anymore words out because he just couldn’t stop crying, Shiro said something Keith didn’t process right away and then hung up.

“I’m on my way.”

Keith hadn’t expected Adam to be with Shiro but he was actually grateful to see his brother’s fiance. Adam had been in social work for years and was almost finished getting his Masters as a therapist. Adam would know exactly what to do.

Shiro hugged Keith tightly and Adam got him a glass of water and then sat down with him in the living room.

“Can you explain a little bit of what’s going on?” Adam asked when Keith managed to pull himself together.

“Lance has been… struggling with depression for years. Since like, I’ve known him. We’ve talked about therapy but… he always managed it on his own so. I stopped nagging him about it. And there’s been bad days but. Nothing like this. I’ve never… seen anything like this before and I can’t find anything online to tell me how to help him, I just want to help him. And he didn’t want me to tell anyone, he doesn’t like people to know he’s struggling so… But it’s been three days and… I can’t do anything. Nothing is working and I’m so fucking scared.” Keith rambled, anxiety stirring in his stomach and making him feel sick.

“What’s different this time?” Shiro inquired.

“He… Normally when he has an episode he just stops doing things. I have to remind him to eat or to shower. But… he still… he still does them and we talk and no matter how long it takes, things start improving again. This time though… It’s like he isn’t even there. He won’t get out of bed or move or talk. I don’t think he even realizes I’m there when I’m in the room with him. It’s been three days and I… nothing. I just can’t.”

Adam and Shiro exchanged looks that Keith couldn’t understand and Adam stood and headed towards Keith and Lance’s room. Keith followed slowly behind. Every time he went into the room the last couple of days has been nerve wracking. His stomach plummets just seeing Lance like that. He can’t get used to it. Even on his worst days Lance was still… lively. Life was brimming, bubbling under his skin constantly even when he was exhausted and hadn’t slept properly in days and the two couldn’t manage more than getting them showered and sleeping most of the day. Lance looked almost… high on medicine. As if his conscious was living in a different universe and his body was stuck in this one. 

Adam knelt at Lance’s side, speaking quietly to him. Keith couldn’t really hear what he was saying but he watched Lance’s face. He wished Lance would get mad at him for calling them. There was nothing there.

“How long did you say he’s been like this?” Shiro murmured. 

“Almost three days.” Keith sighed. “I don’t even know if he hears anything I’m saying. I wish I knew what was going on in his head.”

****

What was the point? What was Lance even doing with his life? He was just working at a goddamn McDonald’s despite four years of  _ endless debt _ . He had wasted his family’s money and for what? So he could live with a boyfriend he disappointed every fucking day. Made his boyfriend constantly care for him and stay up, miss work. They were both lucky they hadn’t been fired with how much they called in. And it was Lance’s fault. 

He didn’t want to do it anymore. He couldn’t do it anymore. Nothing even mattered. Maybe Keith would miss him for awhile but.. Keith was strong. And Lance would be doing him a favor in the end. Keith could be with someone that wasn’t useless. Wasn’t such a fucking trainwreck. And the others? Lance hadn’t really spoken to them in months. It wasn’t like they seemed to miss him now. So it was only reasonable to assume they wouldn’t miss him later.

The only problem was this deadweight he felt in every inch of his body. He couldn’t move and didn’t want to. Maybe if he lay still long enough, everything would fade away. He would fade away. What would happen if he stopped moving? It wasn’t like the world would come to a stop. 

He didn’t move anymore. Couldn’t even if he wanted to. He felt glued to the mattress. Could hear it screaming for him when he was dragged away from it. Keith talked to him a lot, making guilt and hot shame brew in his lungs but for once, it couldn’t motivate him. The words swirled around his brain but he didn’t have the energy to process them. He had to focus all his energy on the times of day when Keith made him eat, chewing until he was so worn out he could black out right there in the bed. Had to chew so he didn’t choke. Choking would be a scary way to go. 

Keith probably knew the Heimlich anyway.

He wouldn’t let Keith watch him die.

He wasn’t sure how long it had been, couldn’t keep track of anything. He felt stuck in one second. The clock had frozen and he would be here forever, trapped. That didn’t sound too bad. He could just sleep forever.

If only the voices that sliced him open with every word, destroying his insides would quiet down. 

They didn’t stop when he slept either.

God, he was so fucking tired.

Someone was in front of him. Someone-not-Keith. Someone-not-Keith was speaking. It registered, briefly, that he should be distressed that someone was seeing him like this. It was… weird that he wasn’t. He just wanted to sleep. Close his eyes and make the person stop talking. Why were people trying to make him move? Why couldn’t they understand how tired he was? He couldn’t move anymore and besides. What was the point in him moving? He didn’t do anyone any good. 

This was for the best.

Why couldn’t Someone-not-Keith get that? Why couldn’t Keith get that?

They should leave him be. Maybe he would starve to death. What would fail first? Would he die of thirst first? 

It didn’t matter because they wouldn’t leave him be. 

Keith picked him up. He wasn’t sure how he knew that it was Keith picking him up, but it was. 

And it was right then that he heard what had been said. 

_ You won’t like it but we have to take him to a hospital.  _

No. Lance didn’t want to go to a hospital. He couldn’t die in a hospital. People would be there all the time trying to make him better. He didn’t want to get better. That would just make him more tired he was so tired no he just wanted to sleep and fade away why why why Keith no.

Lance was falling out of Keith’s arms, clutching to their bedsheets. It took him awhile to realize that ringing in his ears, for it to clear, was just him sobbing. 

It had been a long time since he had cried.

It was making his head throb. This was taking so much energy and he had just spent so much of it trying to eat for Keith. He thought if he ate for Keith, he would go to work and let Lance die. Finally.

But Someone-not-Keith was here. And they were holding his hands as he was carried away from his bed. Lance gave up and just cried into someone’s chest. He wasn’t sure if it was Keith’s or not. He hoped it was Keith. 

****

Lance fell asleep on the way to the hospital. Keith despised seeing him in so much pain, but Adam was right.

This was out of Keith’s hands. This was the best thing for Lance. And Keith would do anything for Lance, even if it hurt him right now. At the very least he wasn’t completely unresponsive. Something had gotten through and. Keith was going to take it. Take it like a promise that Lance could get better.

Shiro invited him to stay with Adam and him for a couple of days until Lance was ready to come back home. Keith didn’t want to be a burden and turned him down. However, when he got off work that evening… he couldn’t get out of his car and go into that empty apartment. Couldn’t stomach seeing that bed Lance had been in for three days. Know that Keith had let it get so bad…

Shiro had already made him  _ haemul kalguksu,  _ figuring Keith wouldn’t want to make dinner after so much going on and had been dishing some into a tupperware when Keith got there. 

Shiro was the best brother Keith could ask for. 

They called Hunk and Pidge the next day. Adam did most of the explaining for Keith because he could barely talk about it without wanting to punch a wall or break down crying.

He wasn’t mad at Lance, could see in Pidge’s eyes that she was, thought he was selfish and frustrated and he got that, except it wasn’t Lance’s fault. Keith knew better than to let Lance deal with it on his own. That was one of the issues with depression. He  _ knew _ and still deluded himself, thinking it was keeping Lance from getting worse. He was just so angry with himself. 

But that was a pointless exercise and he knew it. Lance was getting the help he needed know and that was what was important.

Pidge and Hunk had a lot of questions. He could tell that Hunk was trying to not be hurt about Lance shutting him out when he was at his worst. Could tell Hunk was trying to not be hurt that Keith called Lance. Hunk also seemed to understand that Keith really needed Shiro in that moment. Lance honestly couldn’t ask for a better friend. He wished he had known Lance had been shutting them out for so long. How had he not known?

*****

Lance wasn’t all better when he got home. He was a lot more like his old self for a few weeks, still riding the high that came from treatment, from the hope of seeing a therapist, and the safety and calm of inpatient. Coming home, back to the old stressors hit him hard. 

Lance was also pretty pissed that so many of his friends knew what he was going through. He was embarrassed and ashamed. Keith wouldn’t let him stay ashamed. They all loved him and wanted to help just as much as when Shiro had lost his arm. Just because it was mental and not physical didn’t make it any less real. Any less difficult to work through.

It was weird, moving in with Hunk and Pidge. Lance was very against it at first. But then he seemed to understand. Keith was only one person. As much as he wanted to be there twenty four seven, that left him no time to take care of himself. And Keith wasn’t any good to Lance if he wasn’t okay himself. 

Hunk was really good at knowing exactly what food to make to cheer Lance up. Hunk could get Lance to talk, to  _ want  _ to talk and Keith just appreciated that there was someone Lance could talk to. Outside of therapy. 

Pidge was great for days when Lance didn’t want to talk about it. Pidge and Lance would watch a movie or play video games. Some days when depression looked more like anger, looked more desperate when Lance was about to take it out on himself, Pidge would pass Lance little gadgets to break down. Little experiments she had worked on that didn’t pan out. He’d sit there deconstructing them to be recycled into new projects while she worked. And she didn’t mind if he ended up wanting to talk. It wasn’t her strength, emotional advice; she was a crazy good listener, though. She knew not every silence needed to be filled, not every statement needed a response. 

Lance quit his job which he was very okay with. Keith had known the job stressed him out, he had just never realized how much. Until some of the energy came back. Lance smiled a little more, had less panic attacks. 

Finding a new place had been a lot harder. Keith kept encouraging him to not give up looking for something that would make him happy. 

It took awhile, but Lance got an internship. 

It didn’t get better right away, even with the meds and the help of others. There were still bad days, still very Bad Day. Still days when Lance got no sleep and just cried into Keith’s chest for hours. However. 

However, there was an increasing amount of good days. Really good days. And that’s what mattered.

**Author's Note:**

> I have had two episodes similar to this. Neither of them got as bad as Lance's but... they're not fun. In my experience, it's best to not leave the person like this. Don't wait for them to pull out of it.   
> But everyone is different so... I'd suggest calling someone you trust or a helpline. Crisis lines aren't just for people who feel suicidal. They can help people trying to help people who struggle with things like this. Do not be afraid to call if you want to help or have questions. Most importantly don't feel like you're the only one who can help them. You're not going to do the person any good if you can't take care of yourself too. It is /okay/ to need a break. 
> 
> Comments are super appreciated. Hope you guys have a good day, you deserve it!


End file.
